well I haven't posted in forever... well my life lately has really been screwed up...

first things first I guess... well I realized I'm still in love with Clay. I realized he's what is missing in my life. the beginning of August Obi and I went up to Canada to visit him. well while I was there I realized this. no wait I take that back I realized it before that. when Obi and I started hanging out again. we were talking about things and he came up in our conversation and well I realized that I still did care for him and the more her and I talked we realized how much we needed the guys back in our lives... Clay is like my unreachable star... the one thing I'm not suppose to be able to reach and have. I don't know why everything comes back to him. I really don't. he's who I always turn to when I break up with some one, he's the one I turn to when I need some one to talk to. he's the one I want to hold me when I'm crying, he's the one who I want to comfort me. and yes he's the one I want as the father of my children! I don't understand it at all though. but he means that much to me. and yet I don't think I mean that much to him.

I mean don't get me wrong Doug is a great guy, but as it seems lately he's not around. I haven't talked to him in what seems like 3 weeks and yes I am worried to death about him, because I know he has been ill all summer long. I needed to talk to him this past week but unfortantly I wasn't able to. that doesn't help things between us at all. I know he loves me and wants to give me the world. and I do love him but as to how I do I just don't know yet. every time we try to plan a weekend together something happens and it's frustrating, I mean one weekend I even took time off and well I didn't know he was in the hospital till that weekend, I was upset and even mad at him yet I know it wasn't his fault.... *sighs* as I said it's just frustrating, then at one time our work schedules were making it hard for us to talk... and now I haven't talked to him since shortly after I got back from Canada... I miss him I really do... but I can't keep having my heart jerked around anymore.

I realy don't think my heart can take much more of this at all... with Clay I can pick up the phone and call him when I need some one to talk to... but with Doug I can't... I don't have his number... it just makes it hard especially when there are times like this when I don't hear from him.

I just feel like a screw up in every single thing I do now days nothing seems to be right anymore...

hopefully next month Obi is moving in with me... and hopefully Clay is visiting in October... if not then hopefully he will be down in November... that I'm excited about... and I'm hoping that for Thanksgiving to be going to South Carolina.... that should be fun

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